Talk:Alliance War
Fantastic story! Geutonic (talk) 12:59, December 6, 2017 (UTC) Generally speaking, this story lacks tension. there is never a sense of struggle in the fight descriptions and I will point why I experienced it like that: First, Deus Ex Machina: Most prominently shown in the sudden and coincidental appearance of the Space Hulk to serve as cover for the fleet during Part 8. What. A. Coincidence. That a Space Hulk just happens to be available for cover when the fleet faces peril. Good thing the captains didn't have to rely on their own skill and wit to escape the Necrons defense moon's weapons. Secondly, OP Characters. Yes, I know that Space Marines are pretty OP by default, but they're reasonable OP, meaning in the setting of 40K. Precisely I'm talking about Beor Alchin and Koios. There can be an argument made since they have 'restraints' and 'time limits'. But does it honestly affect them? No. Sure, Beor suffers from being looked at by that Changer of Fate. I honestly got my hopes that this was some kind of premonition, but no, he's just fine after holding a C'Tan shard in place with Telekinesis. (Also an Eldar being afraid of a human Psyker is...let's say a doubtful.) Same with Koios. Sure he gets hit in the face by the Phaeron, but a bunch of his buddies is there right away to safe his ass and dispatch the Phaeron with comical ease, making his struggle seem unjustified and him consequently kinda weak. Bottom line: Powerful characters get boring fast. Imagine a game where there was no challenge. You could just waltz through and kill everything without the fear of serious retaliation. Ask yourself "would that be exciting?". Since all good things are three: No one dies. Well sure, about 6 million guardsmen and 130 Marines, but those are numbers and far too abstract to really cause any emotional uproar. What I mean is the death of characters. The Admiral dies admittedly, but he didn't really do anything during the whole affair anyway. And that one guardsman sargeant who dies one minute after he's mentioned so there's no investment there either. I can guess that you're reluctant to kill off all your special snowflake characters since it took so much time and effort to make them, but if I can't expect them to die, it's not worth reading the story since I can guess the end. So, do I think it's bad? No, far from it. Can you improve it? Certainly. How? Show some balls and let some characters die that aren't introduced 3 lines earlier. Show that they struggle. Make them suffer. ''If they don't suffer from making decisions (like releasing massive Psychic powers when a Greater Daemon is supposedly out for their soul), what's the point? People like to see heroes fall, but they like it even more to see them rise up again afterwards. Oh, and stop with the convenient coincidences like suddenly appearing Space Hulks and ready-to-be grabbed torpedoes. J ust stop. Dearest regards and best intentions, 'BacaloV (talk) 16:41, June 12, 2018 (UTC)' '''Edit: How To Write Something Epic here's a helpful link.' Man, for some one who's supposedly got a ton of exams, how did you find the time to read all this? Just teasing, but still, if you've got all that time to critique my story, (and that was a lot of critique), why can't the plot of the RP get moved along? Still you do have some good points there, and I'd like to say I've actually been reworking it recently. My character Beor got the stamp of disapproval from the Admins so hard it actually changed the sites policies (no kidding) so I had to change him and I still need to intergrate that change. As for character deaths, I'm working on who to kill. While it's a good point you made, it's a little hard to see it as anything other than a sacrifice to appease the gods/readers. Beor and Koios are both written to survive, as they do stuff after the reveal of the Primaris marines, most notably Beor becomes the Abyss Gazers first proper Librarian and Koios throws a tantrum at Gulliman as he is the incarnation of my frustration at the idea of Primaris marines. I'll have to extend the Phaeron fight and probably kill off some honor guard and maybe the Ashen Thanes Chapter Master. On Beor holding a C'tan shard, you're right to say that even a beta or alpha level psyker is weaker than a C'tan shard, my idea was more that because the C'tan have not connection to the warp, the C'tan would be like, "The heck is this?" long enough for a decent shot to land. Anyways, thank for all the ideas you gave me. If you want I can let you know when I finish implementing them, might take a while though. Glacis Highros, Captain of the 2nd company (talk) 18:32, June 12, 2018 (UTC) It's easy to write and critique as opposed to writing myself, so reading and shitting on content is like a break for me. (Partly kidding.) I dunno if Primaris Marines are any different but usually, the older someone becomes, the least likely it's for them to accept the gene-seed and implants. Some fluff even states that mostly children are used for the process, which contradicts with the warriors of Primarch's home world getting elevated. Though the Emp was around back then and he probably had a better grasp on the stuff as people today. So in any case, a fully grown man being turned into a Marine is...I recommend you research it thoroughly. A good way to kill someone off satisfyingly is have them achieve something with their death or have the enemy achieve something with it. A last stand that ultimately fails but delays the enemy long for X to happen, a suicidal that exposes a weakness in the defense and leads to even heavier casualties, stuff like that. As for the explanation with the C'Tan.....eh. The C'tan even existed before the Eldar, so they most certainly know about psychics and Psyker powers and how to deal with them. BacaloV (talk) 19:39, June 12, 2018 (UTC) Critique Vol. 2 In the first paragraph, where you write from the perspective of Haldor it might be better to leave Beor as 'someone he doesn't recognize' and introduce him later. If the reader isn't immediately told, they'll develop some interest and if that was your intention, it is ruined if you state his name right after that. Keep some mysteries to be disclosed later. You hinted at these 'anti-necron' weapons at the start, but then never mention them again. There's a brief section about the Knights being the only ones able to do significant damage, maybe that is it. If so, perhaps you shuold make it a bit clearer, explain what these weapons are exactly or at least how they are more suited to fight NEcrons. Damascus Gulf Crusade = Damocles Gulf Crusade? Might that be a typo from your part or is that just a similar sounding campaign you wrote up? This concerns the Herleven Heavy Fighters regiment. I don't know if you have been made aware of this in the past, but Astartes Home Worlds don't raise regiments for the Astra Militarum (the Imperial Guard). They are excempt from the Imperial tithe and since the recruitment process already consumes a lot of fight-capable personnel, it is unlikely that they'd put up anything beyond the size of a PDF. Also, since they are nominally the governors of their home worlds, raising a regiment could be interpreted as trying to defy the separation of Adeptus Astartes and Militarum forces, which is generally considered heresy. Eldar shuddering from the power of a human Psyker? The most psychically gifted race in the whole galaxy? His concerns about Beor being able to control them is justified, but Eldar are famously self-controlled and focused, so it seems out of place that the Fire Dragon would get distracted to such a degree. Could it be that you accidentally deleted the part where they talk about the importance of the Phareon's staff? Once I got to the part in the palace, it seemed like that was the first time they mentioned it. Monologuing villains explaining their great plans and how much smarter they are? Eh. It certainly adds character to them, that of a mustache-twirling saturday morning cartoon show villain. Which might have been what you were going for, but if it was to explain what happened, you should try to think of a way to show it without having someone straight up explaining it right away. It could add some temporary relief if they think they got him, only for things to take a turn in the worse, which would create tension. They can always figure out what happened later on with the help of the Eldar. Why does one of the Astartes use 'feth', a swear word from Tanith? Maybe you could give the knight Lacrimosa a brief section where she does something to explain her wounds. Best regards, BacaloV (talk) 18:19, July 2, 2018 (UTC) PS: Astartes 'slipping' is a pretty hilarious sight to imagine.